I have no idea what is going on with my body right now. Yes, this is an odd start to a post on a fitness blog but it’s the truth. As I lie here in bed where I’ve held my position since Tuesday evening with a stomach virus I vaguely recall a woman who rarely had to use a sick day, never mind two in a row. I type with one finger on my iPad in an attempt to be somewhat productive during this very unproductive time. I am frustrated but remember a time when I would have been more frustrated. When I would have expected to have much more control over this body of mine. Before January 1st, before Eve.
The pictures above were taken on Eve’s last day. It was New Year’s Day morning. I put on my running gear and waddled downstairs to the guest room where my husband had retired to the night before (we found it was best for the both of us if we slept apart once I hit 40 weeks and my belly took up most of the bed). I wanted him to take pictures to send to a few friends of me telling Eve to come out. She was 3 days overdue and I was getting impatient. Sometimes I look at those pictures and get angry at the woman in them. Why was I in such a hurry, why didn’t I relish those last moments with my baby girl? I then think of a quote by the recently deceased Maya Angelou “I did what I knew how to do, now that I know better, I do better”. Maybe being open to the lessons life is teaching us is all we can do. The rest is doing the best we can with the knowledge we have.
I’ve spent so much time trying to figure out the healthiest way to cope with Eve’s death but have also realized there is no panacea for the pain. I’ve found many things that help but still nothing that cures. And that is ok. Instead of telling my body what it should do I am thinking it’s about time to let my body tell me what it needs and if sometimes that is to lie here and let it heal so be it. When faced with the fragility of life it doesn’t make sense to compromise health for the sake of what we think we should be doing, how we think we should feel, or what we think we should look like. The bottom line of any health and fitness program is to allow one to lead a happier and more productive life. There will be ups and downs but healthful habits can help us negotiate our way through them.
Yes it is frustrating that all the super foods I’ve been consuming have not turned me into superwoman and sticking to my workout routine did not protect me from picking up a virus I can only assume was waiting for me on one of the four planes I was on this weekend. At the same time it doesn’t frustrate me as much as it would have before that fatal day of January 1st. Maybe that is the gift that Eve has given me, to place more emphasis on what is than what should be. To take what comes and be able to work from there. To recognize that true health goes way beyond the physical. To appreciate that even when things are far from perfect just lying here breathing, something Eve never got to do, is a gift.